The next time someone says to you, "Nothing's impossible, tell them, "Go dribble a football."
Football isn't a contact sport. It's a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.
You can't take it with you ... and with high taxes, lawyer's fees, and funeral expenses, you can't leave it behind either.
Speaking of immigrants, how did the California Governor get a green card? Was there a shortage of body builders in the early '70s?
Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
Only when the plumbing is stopped up do you realize that a flush is better than a full house.
The only thing lazy people do fast is get tired.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
As long as we have each other, we'll never run out of problems.
Shouldn't the National Guard change its name to the International Guard?
Skydiving's good to the last drop.
Organized crime is alive and well - it's called auto insurance.
Boldly going nowhere.
Flattery is the best cure for a stiff neck because there are few heads it won't turn.
Our highways have become insane asylums with turn signals.
On I-80, the official bird of California is a hand gesture.
Clutter is my trademark.
Nature abhors a vacuum, even in the heads of statesmen.
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
Before taking a long trip, fill your tank and empty your bladder.