27-07-2006, 07:24 PM
We are all on a journey through life (don't I sound philosophical?) and mine in the past year(s) has been somewhat different to expected - well, what do we expect from life? Especially having the strong faith that I have, I thought life was meant to go well, though I knew suffering existed and counsel people who are suffering, as I know God can and does comfort..
Here's a little of my recent journey - a few years ago I was living in Switzerland and had to rush back to Richmond, KZN as my Mum had terminal cancer.. soon after my arrival, my (only sibling) brother visited from P.E., and he wasn't well.. tired etc. A month later he died suddenly - and I was devastated. That was the second worst day in my life. My Mum took another year to pass away from slow starvation, while I nursed her all that time - but also had to watch over my Dad, who had dementia, and was like a child in the home. Soon after Mum's death, I did the hardest thing I've done in my life - put Dad in a home in P.E, to be near my sister in law, as I just had to go back to life and work in Switzerland. I felt like I'd abandoned my Dad, he was confused and hated being there. That was the worst day in my life.
After a number of months Dad also passed away - I'd lost my whole blood family within 2 years. I still don't know if the grief is all 'worked out' (does it ever?) - I think the hole that each person leaves never closes, but we learn to walk around it.
Early in 2004 I moved to England - starting a new phase in life and work and friendships etc. Then mid-2005 I started feeling a pain in my side and abdomen - which led to discovering the worst of the NHS! Waiting lists for every test imaginable, while the pain worsened and the pain-killers grew stronger and stronger, with morphine on the list. My wonderful GP persevered, though I felt sometimes that maybe it was all in my mind and that if I just snapped out of it, it'd go - but it didn't.
Finally, in March this year, I discovered that I had breast cancer. It's been surreal, I have to tell myself it's true - but the scars are there to prove it. My faith has been severely tested, I've received prayer and prayed up a storm myself, but it hasn't been healed. I have no option but to trust God, and that's the best option there is. He never did promise that we won't suffer, but He did promise He'd walk through it with us. I've now discovered and experienced the best of the NHS - suddenly everyone has been on my side, quick, efficient to get me the best treatment available. And I've discovered what love really means through my friends sacrificially forming a strong support sytem and safety net for me to fall into - taking me places, nursing me through the worst times, persevering when my emotions have been totally unpredictable. I wish everyone could have friends like this..
Now it's chemo time! My first one was 3 weeks ago and horrendous, I felt like I was dying amid all the side-effects, then slowly emerged from that to feel somewhat 'normal' again. The pain in my abdomen has since been assumed to be cancer cells in/on the ribs - and the pain since the chemo hasn't been too bad - is it from the medicine or the chemo that's working? I don't know, but am glad that something IS working. My next chemo is this Monday 31st - and I don't have the same dread I had before as I know what to expect, and somehow I expect it to be better this time. After all, some people don't suffer from the side-effects; do I have to? But I can't switch that off or on, must just keep on praying..
And now, too, my hair is falling out in handfuls - and I went for a wig fitting this afternoon. Found one that I feel comfortable and good in.. will I have the courage to wear it? Suddenly hats and scarves are interesting, when I've never looked at them before now..
the saga continues..
Here's a little of my recent journey - a few years ago I was living in Switzerland and had to rush back to Richmond, KZN as my Mum had terminal cancer.. soon after my arrival, my (only sibling) brother visited from P.E., and he wasn't well.. tired etc. A month later he died suddenly - and I was devastated. That was the second worst day in my life. My Mum took another year to pass away from slow starvation, while I nursed her all that time - but also had to watch over my Dad, who had dementia, and was like a child in the home. Soon after Mum's death, I did the hardest thing I've done in my life - put Dad in a home in P.E, to be near my sister in law, as I just had to go back to life and work in Switzerland. I felt like I'd abandoned my Dad, he was confused and hated being there. That was the worst day in my life.
After a number of months Dad also passed away - I'd lost my whole blood family within 2 years. I still don't know if the grief is all 'worked out' (does it ever?) - I think the hole that each person leaves never closes, but we learn to walk around it.
Early in 2004 I moved to England - starting a new phase in life and work and friendships etc. Then mid-2005 I started feeling a pain in my side and abdomen - which led to discovering the worst of the NHS! Waiting lists for every test imaginable, while the pain worsened and the pain-killers grew stronger and stronger, with morphine on the list. My wonderful GP persevered, though I felt sometimes that maybe it was all in my mind and that if I just snapped out of it, it'd go - but it didn't.
Finally, in March this year, I discovered that I had breast cancer. It's been surreal, I have to tell myself it's true - but the scars are there to prove it. My faith has been severely tested, I've received prayer and prayed up a storm myself, but it hasn't been healed. I have no option but to trust God, and that's the best option there is. He never did promise that we won't suffer, but He did promise He'd walk through it with us. I've now discovered and experienced the best of the NHS - suddenly everyone has been on my side, quick, efficient to get me the best treatment available. And I've discovered what love really means through my friends sacrificially forming a strong support sytem and safety net for me to fall into - taking me places, nursing me through the worst times, persevering when my emotions have been totally unpredictable. I wish everyone could have friends like this..
Now it's chemo time! My first one was 3 weeks ago and horrendous, I felt like I was dying amid all the side-effects, then slowly emerged from that to feel somewhat 'normal' again. The pain in my abdomen has since been assumed to be cancer cells in/on the ribs - and the pain since the chemo hasn't been too bad - is it from the medicine or the chemo that's working? I don't know, but am glad that something IS working. My next chemo is this Monday 31st - and I don't have the same dread I had before as I know what to expect, and somehow I expect it to be better this time. After all, some people don't suffer from the side-effects; do I have to? But I can't switch that off or on, must just keep on praying..
And now, too, my hair is falling out in handfuls - and I went for a wig fitting this afternoon. Found one that I feel comfortable and good in.. will I have the courage to wear it? Suddenly hats and scarves are interesting, when I've never looked at them before now..
the saga continues..